Couldn’t Hit It Sideways

I spent a day or two playing around with some new recording software (and hardware!) to put this Roadrunner-y riff together & then I couldn’t find any good Missed Connections to play it with. So I figured I’d dig out this old classic that I’d been meaning to make a song out of for forever, but was always kind of put off by the length of it. Now that I had this music endlessly looping in the background, doing the vocals was a snap! (OK, so maybe it took several takes, but anyway…)

If you haven’t heard the *original* Dimitri tapes, you’ll probably want to “check it out” sometime soon. Thanks to Aaron for transcribing it all!

(Please note also the official Never Said Nothing FAIL SNAILS, which are new to the page! I’ve put these here while I’m figuring out what to do about replacing the music player that used to be over there, and because they’re snails, you won’t expect them to be going away anytime soon.)

Yea, hi there Olga it’s Dimitri….

Message 1:
Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you, ah, when we ah, met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number and I had to get the heck out of the area. I figured I better leave you a more detailed message and, uhm, explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean women approach me six / seven times a day. But I’m very particular about what I like. You’re extremely elegant. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you and your friends were very jealous. Even if they say they weren’t, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare, I’m Greek, and I’m very particular about what I like. So, I’m giving you an opportunity here. I don’t know if you pick up the messages on the weekend, but I’m working on a movie script so I’m pretty much around all weekend doing that. I left you my number; 416-918-XXX4. This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message ‘til Monday, but when you do call me, and we’ll get together for coffee and chat and, eh, let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach and I hope that isn’t timidness. I hope it was just a little bit of, ah, shock at being approached so, uhm, directly, ah, because I don’t really date timid women, because I’m a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man and I want a woman who is very independent and, ah, strong. So, ah, anyway we’ll talk about that but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. Now I have. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you, ah, have the courage to. Okay Olga? Talk to you soon. Bye.

Message 2:
Hi there Olga, it’s Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street. I left you a message several days ago. You said you were interested. Now, here’s the way I work; I don’t like leaving second messages, but I like you. You’re a very elegant woman, you’re very attractive, but, you know, I don’t play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you’re playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here’s how it’s going to work; it is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now, I’ll assume….I’ll assume that you’ve already left work, ‘cause you some people leave early and I’ll grant you that. But if I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3 o’clock Thursday afternoon, I’m no longer interested and you can erase my number. I don’t play games like that. I’m completely single, I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money; believe it or not I’m a complete catch. I’ve only been single 4 months. I had a long distance relationship, you know, went a year; its very difficult to maintain it like that and it didn’t work out. There’s nothing wrong with me. Matter of fact I’m one of the few men in the city who has nothing wrong with him. So, I’m giving you the 3 o’clock deadline. I don’t hear from you, you lose my number. I’m erasing yours right now, so you won’t be hearing back from me. So that’s it, 3 o’clock tomorrow or you can just completely forget it. Now I understand if you’ve got other issues, like maybe you’re not playing games; maybe you’ve had, I dunno maybe you were abused in childhood, maybe your mother has cancer / you’re going to chemo, maybe you’re just a person who’s extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you’re on some medication for that, I dunno. There could be another issue that I’m not aware of. But, nobody says “call me”, hands a person a business card and then doesn’t return calls. It’s extremely passive-aggressive. You should actually look that up; passive-aggressive personality disorder. And, you let me know; if you’ve got issues, psychological issues, if you’re on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression – I’m not interested. Okay? But if you’re psychologically normal, and you haven’t called me because there’s been some horrible thing that’s happened in your life which prevented you, that’s fine. But otherwise, don’t call me. Okay? Bye.