I Love Oil Tasting

Just messing around with my new guitar and decided to put some lyrics to it. Not sure if these two are really meant to be. Sometimes an asparagus is just an asparagus, y’know?

Safeway cashier – thin asparagus! – m4w – 29 (san rafael)

You were running the till at the Safeway check-out today. We started talking about asparagus… you mentioned you preferred thin asparagus to thick asparagus, because the shoots were more tender. This tipped me off that you had good taste, and I became captivated for a moment! I was about to ask for your number, when the woman behind me got anxious and started checking out. You seem like a cool character, and I bet you love to cook. Want to go to the olive oil tasting in SF this week? 🙂

You’re Crazy for Taking the Bus!

This is supposed to sound like a bad night for The Replacements where they forgot the lyrics to Kiss Me On The Bus and also the wrong band showed up and the drummer had a serious brain injury right before they went on stage.

Vomit on the bus – m4w (the bus)

The only thing we shared is disgust.

Not a flicker of romance.

But we have shared revulsion and got on the bus at the same time

You got on the bus at haight and pukemore midst a saucy convo with a gf in Alaska

At the bus stop before , I wish you hadn’t walked away on the street when you got to the juicy bits of the story

There will either be a deluge of calls from barf-spotting travellers thinking they are the lucky one or the response will be dry

If you were to respond, i wouldn’t invite you out for a pizza………… but i would offer a beer – because you are the right kind of brazen and i think you are good fun

PS. if there are a lot of responses, i will weed out the men, because there is no mistaking you are a woman

Matzos

I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump’n iPhones

Getting back to my roots, this is take two, live to tape. While I was browsing for this ad, there was another one that reminded me it’s been almost 2 years exactly since this site was founded. Crazy! More music coming soon, I promise…

Blue Bottle, Acme, and Then Ferry Building Benches – m4w – 27 (Ferry Building)

We coincidentally went to the same three places in the Ferry Building. After talking at the benches, we Bumped iphones to exchange numbers, thinking we would be savvy and cool, but all we exchanged were just names. So lame. I know you live in LA, but I want to have more witty banter with Blagojevich being butt end of your jokes. I can’t find you on FB. It seems like a lot parents like your name, worldwide! If you have my name in your Bumb history, find me on FB. Shouldn’t be too hard with my last name.

I’m just standing in a doorway…

Been awhile since I’ve done a song & after reinstalling windows on my computer due to a problem, I realized I could now *also* re-install the 14 day demo of Ableton Live! Recorded a bunch of stuff, but this is the only thing I’ve finished so far. Sort of trying to get a Beast of Burden / Waiting on a Friend sound going, but putting reverb & EQ on multiple tracks made mixing this a pain in the ass. Time to get back to basics, I guess. Or to get a beefier computer. Either way it is time for a bigger kind of kill… =)

Cute tattoo’d girl at Cala Foods around 1am Sunday night – m4w – 31 (Cala Foods / Nob Hill)

I happened to pop into Cala Foods late Sunday night around 1am for some bottled water and laundry detergent. Walked in, and right as I entered, I looked up and saw you, a cute, black haired girl wearing all black, and with some wonderful tattoos down your arm and up your back. I kinda lingered around the store, bought some apples and nectarines hoping I’d build up the courage to talk to you, but it never happened, even after we ended up in the same checkout line together.

Anyway, so I totally lamed out, but I’d love an opportunity to make it up to you. Drink? Dinner? Coffee? whatever, if you’re interested in giving me a 2nd chance, I’ll definitely make it up to you.

The Museumgoers

Got all ambitious with the production for this one & I think there are at least a few parts of it that work pretty well. The ad itself is just great; short, sweet & without any of the self-conscious “I know you probably won’t read this, but…” junk that clutters up a lot of them.

Butterfly – w4m – 28 (Science Museum)

a butterfly landed on my head in the rainforest, you asked for my camera and took my picture…you were sweet… thanks! I hope you enjoyed the rest of the museum!

last night an airbag saved my life

Another FourTrack-recorded one; this started off as an experiment in recording the Tibetan singing bowl that my roommate left out in the living room. Since I had another 3 tracks left to work with after that, it developed into an arrangement for whatever instruments were within arm’s reach, in this case a thumb piano and a mysterious balloon bagpipe that I bought from a peddler on the streets of Rome. I accidentally pitch-shifted my vocal down when I was doing the final mix on it, but I thought it sounded better that way so I left it.

tall white afro gurl who misses her shit – m4w – 26 (alamo square / nopa)
Date: 2009-04-12, 4:58PM PDT

dang gurrrrl everytime i see you, you eat shit pretty hard. do you need a seeing eye man? cause i usually see the curbs in front of me, unless i dont, in which case i eat shit too. but i could like totally help you out. actually, maybe it’s because you are so hard in thought. which is pretty darn hot. do you know who you are? cause i dont, but sure want to. divisadero must be your home stomping ground, or at least the only place you can walk and eat shit and look sharp too. you must tape those glasses on your nose, cause i have no idea how they stay on. but your afro adds a least 2 inches, totally de-centering your sense of gravity, i can tell. i can just follow you with a net and catch you, you lurpy crazed eyed pretty brunette lady. ive seen you at bean bag a lot, or at least the times when i notice you eat it hard 2 feet from the front door, and ive certainly noticed when your friends called you ‘kate’ or ‘kat’ or something equally as common, and you kinda get a faraway look in your eyes like you want to think that’s your name, but not quite sure. i’ll call you anything you want if that helps with your mental clarity..

anyone know her story? did she just escape from a mental institution? cuz im into that real big time. let me feed you your meds, and be your airbag. pleeeeeaz..

Couldn’t Hit It Sideways

I spent a day or two playing around with some new recording software (and hardware!) to put this Roadrunner-y riff together & then I couldn’t find any good Missed Connections to play it with. So I figured I’d dig out this old classic that I’d been meaning to make a song out of for forever, but was always kind of put off by the length of it. Now that I had this music endlessly looping in the background, doing the vocals was a snap! (OK, so maybe it took several takes, but anyway…)

If you haven’t heard the *original* Dimitri tapes, you’ll probably want to “check it out” sometime soon. Thanks to Aaron for transcribing it all!

(Please note also the official Never Said Nothing FAIL SNAILS, which are new to the page! I’ve put these here while I’m figuring out what to do about replacing the music player that used to be over there, and because they’re snails, you won’t expect them to be going away anytime soon.)

Yea, hi there Olga it’s Dimitri….

Message 1:
Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you, ah, when we ah, met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number and I had to get the heck out of the area. I figured I better leave you a more detailed message and, uhm, explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean women approach me six / seven times a day. But I’m very particular about what I like. You’re extremely elegant. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you and your friends were very jealous. Even if they say they weren’t, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare, I’m Greek, and I’m very particular about what I like. So, I’m giving you an opportunity here. I don’t know if you pick up the messages on the weekend, but I’m working on a movie script so I’m pretty much around all weekend doing that. I left you my number; 416-918-XXX4. This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message ‘til Monday, but when you do call me, and we’ll get together for coffee and chat and, eh, let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach and I hope that isn’t timidness. I hope it was just a little bit of, ah, shock at being approached so, uhm, directly, ah, because I don’t really date timid women, because I’m a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man and I want a woman who is very independent and, ah, strong. So, ah, anyway we’ll talk about that but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. Now I have. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you, ah, have the courage to. Okay Olga? Talk to you soon. Bye.

Message 2:
Hi there Olga, it’s Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street. I left you a message several days ago. You said you were interested. Now, here’s the way I work; I don’t like leaving second messages, but I like you. You’re a very elegant woman, you’re very attractive, but, you know, I don’t play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you’re playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here’s how it’s going to work; it is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now, I’ll assume….I’ll assume that you’ve already left work, ‘cause you some people leave early and I’ll grant you that. But if I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3 o’clock Thursday afternoon, I’m no longer interested and you can erase my number. I don’t play games like that. I’m completely single, I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money; believe it or not I’m a complete catch. I’ve only been single 4 months. I had a long distance relationship, you know, went a year; its very difficult to maintain it like that and it didn’t work out. There’s nothing wrong with me. Matter of fact I’m one of the few men in the city who has nothing wrong with him. So, I’m giving you the 3 o’clock deadline. I don’t hear from you, you lose my number. I’m erasing yours right now, so you won’t be hearing back from me. So that’s it, 3 o’clock tomorrow or you can just completely forget it. Now I understand if you’ve got other issues, like maybe you’re not playing games; maybe you’ve had, I dunno maybe you were abused in childhood, maybe your mother has cancer / you’re going to chemo, maybe you’re just a person who’s extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you’re on some medication for that, I dunno. There could be another issue that I’m not aware of. But, nobody says “call me”, hands a person a business card and then doesn’t return calls. It’s extremely passive-aggressive. You should actually look that up; passive-aggressive personality disorder. And, you let me know; if you’ve got issues, psychological issues, if you’re on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression – I’m not interested. Okay? But if you’re psychologically normal, and you haven’t called me because there’s been some horrible thing that’s happened in your life which prevented you, that’s fine. But otherwise, don’t call me. Okay? Bye.

Nothing Has Changed

I busted a string on my guitar in pursuit of a weird tuning and so then i put it into an even wielder tuning and came up with this weird song. And the melodica is there because, well… sometimes when you have a hammer, everything looks like an excuse to play the melodica. Recorded on FourTrack. FourTrack FTW!

Look baby nothing has changed except…

I refuse to trip over this anymore. I have to keep my heart at arms length until I hear you whisper that you want it. That’s all. All the power is yours. You should feel good with that, it’s worth more then all the gold in the world. You know it.

Filthy Rat

I’ve been beta-testing this new iPhone app that my friend Dan is working on and I used it to create this latest Missed Connection song. It’s late or I would have done a better job with the vocals. Anyway, I like this little app a lot and I think it will make it easier to get more of these songs recorded (although ultimately I’m just going to have to break down & buy some actual recording gear!)

The Redhead Punkgirl, I Helped You Drown That Rat In Your Purse W/Beer – m4w – 35

I’ve never met anyone who enjoyed doing things like that! Man , did that get messy or what? I loved it when you slapped that little kid across his fat mouth and told him to “stop screaming, it’s just a filthy rat!”. God that was priceless! And when you kicked that old man I thought I was going to die laughing! Did you really end up selling his walker or just dumping it? I have never met a woman who can drink so much Jack Daniels and not die of alcohol poisoning! Let’s hook up again baby!

Ping Me Back!

I came up with this little turnaround thingamajig on the guitar when I was loopy as *shit* at like 9 PM on Labor Day after coming back from this awesome camping trip during which I climbed up a mountain in the middle of the night and had been up for like 36 hours or something. (Shout outs to all my Half-Dome homies!) I dunno if this was necessarily the best ad to go with these chords, but apparently everyone *else* in the bay area was high on drugs in the desert this past weekend so the MisCon ads are a bit burned out (so to speak) at the moment. Who knows, maybe next year I’ll go out to “BRC” and ride around on a blinged-out recumbent bicycle playing some of these songs through an amp that I made out of an old muffler. Hopefully not though.

So many missed connections at Burning Man – w4m – 25

1st time burner has just returned from BRC, and realized that next year she must bring with her a pen and lots of paper.

There were so many amazing women and men that I met on the Playa this past week. I really wish I knew where you all disperse to once the man burns.

Seeking fellow burners that are emotionally available to decompress with me. I now know that this amazing breed exists- those that self-select themselves to setup shop in the desert for one week out of the year and devote themselves to genuine self-expression, giving and seeing and/or making beautiful art.

I want to be friends with you in the real world, too. Ping me back.